Today is the Wednesday after Labor Day, all the kids in this country are now in school, the pools and the beach clubs are closed, beach badges have expired, and everyone has pumpkin lattes and sweaters on their minds, and I’m here still thinking, where the hell did summer go??
I was in a real funk yesterday about summer ending and felt like this:
I wanted to keep my head buried into the bed because not only is my favorite season leaving me, I was now forced to go into yet again another transition, and every year transitions seem to get harder and harder. Yesterday I felt like an unruly toddler, pissed off that I have to embrace a routine again and I was a little hard on myself that I can’t seem to organize my time and my thoughts better. I hate to admit it but transitions are a real bitch for me.
Transition issues never used to be so hard for me and they seem to be at odds with each other. In one respect, I’ve been a pretty spontaneous person my whole life, getting out of the house to go to a park on a whim or even a long road trip (which can be the fun part about me), but changes to a routine are killing me these days. I’ve tried to reflect on this as I try to understand why I have issues with transitions and the only thing I can come up with is my inability to plan and accept change. When I do things spontaneously I don’t have any real pressure to perform, which is why I go through life on a day-by-day basis. But going through life shooting from the hip all the time is losing my sense of time and space. Without a good concrete plan and real understanding of consequence I’m feeling like I’m constantly wandering through life.
And I’m keeping all of these touchy, feely emotions in my own head about this stuff because it’s not an easy subject to share with anyone except my husband. But I’m sharing now because over the last few years it’s been a struggle and sometimes I feel like I’m never going to get out of this rut and it can be overwhelming. I think it’s easy to point the finger to the brain damage from the stroke that I’ve lost my ability to focus, but it’s not just that because I’ve been like this my whole life. The only way the stroke affected it was by exaggerating it. But it is true, though, that I feel like my brain sometimes can’t even process the transitions.
When I wrote in the last post about my eureka moment about my photography and what to do with all those photographs, you have no idea how important that was for me to make a decision and to have somewhat of a “plan”. And over the whole summer I have been working on my photography still, keeping on that focus, trying to keep its value even when I ask myself ask why the hell do I take all these pictures. When no one is asking me to write something or take pictures for them it can really be hard to keep the rationale for doing any of my art because I ask myself, is doing it just for myself good enough? Is doing art for arts sake enough of a reason to keep going? I suppose the answer is in my Instagram account and in this blog. And I’m digressing.
Anyway, today it was 66 degrees, windy; already feeling like Fall. I can feel the tension of the transition in my gut, making me cranky, unsteady and not knowing what to do next. The only thing I do know is that eventually I’ll figure it out, I’ll soon embrace the routine until… Christmas vacation. And the whole damn thing starts over again in January.
Until Spring break. Until Summer vacation. Until school starts.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I know that there are no easy answers to all of this. I know that sharing this and writing all of this out is already a cheap therapy session. I know that time will go faster every year. And I know why I’m constantly holding onto time, not wanting to transition to the next step, because I hate endings. Truthfully I always hate to see summer go because I love everything that it brings – the beach, the hot air, the green grass, the fresh tomatoes, the iced tea, the flowers, the easing of work and responsibility. But it’s not all about the ending of a season. It’s the change. And whether I like it or not, change is in the air.